Chapter Forty-Nine

Cassian and Nesta continue their trek through the mountains, with Nesta pushing herself to physical collapse while internally spiraling with self-loathing and shame. After Nesta faints from dehydration, Cassian carries her to camp and they continue toward a lake, where Nesta finally breaks down emotionally upon arrival.

Cassian and Nesta begin the chapter partway up a mountain. Nesta is exhausted and collapses onto the ground at their campsite; Cassian is distant and cold toward her, which she believes she deserves. Over the next two days, Nesta silently follows Cassian without speaking, watching only the back of his head. Her physical state deteriorates: she stops drinking water, her head pounds, and the mountains seem endless despite Cassian's easy navigation. While crossing a dried riverbed on the third day, Nesta faints from dehydration and heat exhaustion. Cassian finds her unconscious, his relief mingled with concern at her glazed eyes and the white crust around her lips. He gives her water and confronts her about not drinking throughout the day. Despite his instinct to comfort her, an inner voice tells him to continue—"one more mountain." He carries her in his arms to a flatter campsite. During the journey, Nesta is consumed by thoughts of worthlessness and self-condemnation. She believes she was born wrong, that she cannot control her anger, and that she has failed those close to her, particularly Elain and Feyre. She views herself as a rabid dog and a beast. When they finally reach a turquoise lake nestled between two peaks, the beauty of the landscape contrasts sharply with Nesta's internal collapse. She falls to her knees on the gray stones and weeps, unable to answer her own question of whether she is worth being counted.